Thursday, December 9, 2010

Considering Hypnosis (warning: Do not read this unless you wanna listen to me whine.)

I've got the blues.  I just wanna go back to bed and wake up somebody else right now.  I've had a few unexpected surprises in the last few days and now I'm just drained.  I'm overwhelmed by the condition of my house, the diet, the workout, my daughters school project, my special needs sons current math struggles and the fact that I've been driving all over Texas for the past 4 days.  I'm damn hungry and not for a salad.  I'm crampy and cranky and I want to be left alone for a day or two to recharge and get rid of this fucking headache.  The dishes stink, I'm up to my ears in dirty laundry, I've had 4 cancellations in the last 2 days and this was supposed to be a killer profitable week.  Where's my Genie? 

And the reason that I say I'm considering hypnosis is because I want to like cleaning my house.  I want to like working out.  I want to like eating clean.  I like none of those things.  I'm tired of falling into the same failing patterns and I want for the changes I make to finally stick.  I want to do something long enough to see the long term effects it will have on my life and the lives of those I love and I want to do it without the limitations of my own mind and circumstance. 

Ok, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.  I'm gonna take an ibuprofen, go back to bed for a little while and wake up and have this day.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Eeek. It's worse than I thought.

Coming to terms with the fact that I hate working out.  I hate dieting.  I hate feeling like a beginner.  But screw it.  The Cubital Tunnel in my wrist feels like shit.  I just finished workout 1 of day 1.  Took measurements this morning.  34-28-38.  So after I go to the docs and see what my weight is (I'm thinking around 122), I'll make a solid determination on my goals.  I know my goals aren't as big as some peoples.  3 months seems like a long time atm.  Right now I feel like throwing up and going back to sleep.  Gonna hit the shower and go get some groceries. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010


So as I often do, this morning I was laying wide awake in bed thinking about a number of things.  The biggest and most important of those things is my physical fitness or lack thereof.  Tomorrow I have my annual physical.  In fact, it's the first one I've ever had in my 35 years on this planet.  Based on  my genetics, I've always been a fairly thin person and that I look probably about 10 years younger than my real age.  This is not bragging, but simple facts.  These facts have in some ways ill-equipped me to handle the changes that my body has gone through, such as child birth, unhealthy living habits and being sedentary.  While I still am a small to average person, only in my 30s have I started to realize that staying this way is going to take huge commitments that I'm not used to. 

I grew up in a single parent home with my older brother, George.  While I was never really involved in organized sports, I was always active.  We were always outside.  We rode our bikes to and from our aunts house constantly, walked home from school everyday, spend our summers in the swimming pool for hours upon hours only breaking for meals.  I used to love to dance and did so often.  We also grew up in a home where eating out was only a treat and a rare one at that.  We ate a lot of beans and tortillas, potatoes, chili, and as we got older and (ahem) microwaves were introduced, we started eating ramen noodles and frozen pizzas.

Having babies created a need for me to learn how to diet and exercise, but it is not something I grew up doing or really knowing anything about.  In the last five years, my weight has fluctuated 5-15 lbs, but I've been able to reel myself back in when I need to.  The biggest commitment I ever made was training for a half marathon in 09, and other than that I've been guilty of being as inconsistent as any adult with ADD is. 

Now I'm at a point where I don't just want to be consistent.  I want to be a badass.  I was my see my abs and not have to pull my pants up over my tummy every time I sit down.  I want to be able to model again and not be self conscious that every pose is going to add 20 lbs.  I want the guts to wear a bikini while my health and weight are still in my control.  Screw whether its age appropriate or not.  I look 27 anyways.  But THE single most important thing I want is to be a strong mommy for my kids.  I want to be a good example of what hard work and that dreaded consistency can achieve.

So today, I'm planning out my meals for the week and beginning my food journal.  Tomorrow, which is Monday, I will go to the doctor and I will start p90x again. I will not stop until I've made it through the full 90 days.  At that point, I will decide what kind of changes I want to make to my regiment.  I still want to do a full marathon next November, but starting with p90x is going to be a pre-conditioning.  It's going to give me a foundation for cross training while marathon training.  This is it!  I'm done screwing around.  This is my time to NOT be the last runner that I know crossing the finish line because I'm slow and pooped out.  This is my time to not be the fat model.  This is my time to show my daughter that she can be as killer as she wants to be and to give my son a fun new way to get some more occupational therapy in.  This is me being the best, strongest, most fabulous lover, mother and friend that I can.  I will lead through example.  This is my time.